A Dark Truth, in Numbers

When I was fat, (yea I said it) I would avoid numbers like the plague. Clearly the most avoided number was always the number on the scale. Alongside that was the number on my jeans indicating the size, the number of calories in the meal I just had, the number of promises to myself to make a change I had broken and the list goes on. My life was basically a game of numbers, or avoiding them. 

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Now, 60 or 70lbs later I find myself in a similar dark place. At least a year ago when I was avoiding numbers it was out of sight and out of mind. Now, I obsess over all kinds of numbers! How many calories/carbs/protein were in that meal I just had? How much did I do on my deadlift/squat/barbell curl last week in comparison to this week? How many miles did I run/not run? What’s my body fat percentage like these days? How many inches have I lost? I find that at times I have made myself crazy over these numbers, but then I STOP.

I force myself to collect my thoughts; I breathe in the positive and let go of the negative. Or better said, the anxiety of numbers that overwhelms me. 

This method of breathing in the good shit and breathing out the bullshit is a constant struggle, much like keeping up a healthy lifestyle is. I’ve posted before about moderation, trying and being happy with small accomplishments and I believe that in my heart of hearts but sometimes that voice in the back of my mind is so loud I cannot silence it. 

I debated whether or not to share this part of the “journey” but I have to share my truths. If there’s a chance others feel this way too there’s no reason not to put it out there. We should all know that this can happen, that it’s ok and that you can get over and keep on going.

I’m done feeling sorry for myself (yet again). I’m getting over this hump and I know, if you find yourself on it, you can too. 

I’ll file this under the first world problems category and go kill my next workout. xo

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Decisions, revisited.

From the time we wake up each morning until we lay our heads down at night our days are filled with decisions. Some of them are seemingly meaningless — what to have for breakfast, what to wear, etc. Some of them though are more lasting decisions like — what to major in, what job to take or even where to live.

Last year I made two big decisions and on the cusp of the busiest time of the year I got to revisit them. The first of these heavy decisions was the decision to leave Miami, the second was the decision to come back.

I made the decision to come back to Miami a year ago last month after being away for about six months. I went back to the scene of the decision last week and got to see up close what i had left behind. I got to remember how I felt there, what I was missing, and mostly it reminded me to be grateful for what I have now.

Walking around, I miss New Jersey. I miss the lush side of the highway where deer can be seen grazing, I miss having such tightly knit family around and I miss the access to the rest of the country I felt I had while being there. It’s funny to miss a place so much I barely got to live in, but I do and I know that visiting will never be the same.

Watching friends now, and going through some of my own stuff as well got me thinking that I don’t think we as a people reflect enough on these heavy decisions. How many people really take the time to analyze their lives as they are living it? I’m not talking about sitting down and “what if-ing” yourself to death, I’m suggesting a mere glimpse at the path that has gotten you to your current state. Think of it as smelling the roses or something — I mean, aren’t we supposed to learn for our future based on where we’ve been?

I am grateful for the chance to reflect on where the year as taken me, it’s like a mini birthday or milestone right smack in the time of year meant for gratitude and feelings of the like. I mostly like knowing that today I still stand by all of my decisions, they still feel right, and I still have the confidence to know that I really do know what’s best for me. Even faced with life’s current adversities I am excited about ending 2011 and welcoming of the changes, challenges and experiences 2012 will bring.

Be observant people, it is the only way to really become wise.