Knocked Up and I’m Just Not Feelin’ It

Congrats, you’re knocked up! Now that you know your missed period is not just a fluke have fun navigating the utterly endless, contradictory and mostly non-factual information about you and your new wombmate.

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally stoked about meeting our little person and was relieved as hell when my midwife said I could continue doing any and all activities I had already been doing. I was really looking forward to keeping the regular workout regimen I had build for myself. But at almost half way through I feel like pregnancy has been another tale of, things people don’t tell you because if they did you’d never go through with it.

Take the first trimester for example. All you ever hear people complain or sigh in relief about is morning sickness. But they grossly (and I suspect, purposely) failed to mention the resemblance of the first trimester of pregnancy to PMS. Yes, you read correctly, PMS. I swore in those first few weeks I was giving life to the worlds largest cheeseburger because that’s all I wanted to eat. Pair that with a certain all around whiny and complaininess about me and yea, pretty much sounds like PMS to me.

At about 14 or so weeks I started to feel like myself again. Phew! I’ll start working out now, I said. Not so fast. I read on a list somewhere that pregnant women are lazy, but never in my life have I been so compelled to do nothing but make a dent in my couch for hours on end. Don’t get me wrong, there has been some working out. Walking, a couple pre-natal yoga classes and some weights because I know it will make for a better labor and recovery. I try to rationalize with myself and find balance between carbs and cardio, but man, it would be easier to get a nun to go to a bar!

I thought for sure I’d feel more like Heidi Powell given my recently found ‘fit chick’ status, but sadly I feel more like Honey Boo Boo. It’s kind of motivating at this point, I am making a real effort to just move more and try not to define my workouts so much. Just find things that feel good, that will help me sleep, (I may write a whole other post about pregnancy sleep) and that make me feel normal.

I’m hoping to feel more like this picture as my pregnancy progresses, if for no other reason than I know I will feel like Wonder Woman when I can catch my little bean in my arms at birth.

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Did you ever feel like no one ever told you something about pregnancy, kids, marriage or anything? I feel like it happens a lot! Share your horror stories and giggles alike!

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Happy Anniversary?

Birthdays, anniversaries, and memorials. Happy or sad there are thousands of occasions that are commemorated at yearly points in our lives. But do we ever stop to realize that on any given day when we are celebrating something momentously happy another person has just shed a tear at the reminder of something terribly sad? So is the case today.

Today is the day my god daughter was brought into this world but it is also the day my life changed like it had not done so before. Although our events took place a year apart the time lines, emotions and realizations are all eternally intertwined, leaving all who know their significance affected for a life time. It goes to the very core of how although technology connects us through social media, the internet and messaging, it cannot feel and it cannot help you tell someone that while their heart has just filled with joy, yours has just shattered into thousands of little pieces.

The birth of a child is always a joyous occasion, as was the birth of my little Addy. Huddled in the waiting area of Mercy hospital I paced with the anxiety of a parent, praying every minute that it would all go smoothly and that soon I would meet this little person who I was anxiously awaiting. Finally, they wheel out this tiny plastic box and inside was this tiny human princess. Sure babies are born every day, but they don’t all make a specified impact on our lives at all times. This one did. From the moment I set eyes on this child I knew she was a special one. One reason being I had no quams about grabbing her up into my arms swaddled as tightly as she could be and staring at her as if there was no one else in the room. While they were all really giving me the stink eye because they wanted to take a look.

One of the happiest moments of my life has been sitting on a chair in the crowded hospital room little Addy in one arm and big brother Michael staring at her as intently as I was while sitting on my lap. We were bonded together by our infatuation for the little bundle and every one else in the room melted away for those few precious moments. They don’t put that kind of stuff on Hallmarks people!

We associate the circle of life with one birth for one death but do you ever stop to think about it as one joy for one pain? I surely didn’t until the moment I realized the healing affects being with Addy had on me during my time of need. She didn’t know and I probably wouldn’t have acknowledged it at the time but taking care of that girl and being there when she needed anything from a diaper change to a kiss goodnight was the best medicine every prescribed.

Fast forward to exactly one year later. Birthday party plans are in place, but first an appointment. Actually it was a court date. One I won’t soon forget. We waited in almost silence, our names were called the papers were signed.

Mrs. and Mrs. once were now Mr. and Mrs. no more. Bring on the candles.

So today on the anniversary of these double wammies I remember, reflect and refeel all of the emotions I felt on those days one and two years ago. I’ve taken the time to be glad and proud that Addy is now speaking, walking and pretty much ruling her world but I’ve also reflected on my emotional journey and the new places in life it has brought me. My mind is like a museum with history on its walls and emotion through art strewn across like paint on canvas.

Lewis Carrol said it best, ” I can’t go back to yesterday- because I was a different person then.”

Down to my core I am different, forever changed by a tragedy and a blessing and I will forever remember that the circle of life is not so simple as birth and death but it is a mosaic of despair followed by success and a canvas full of black strokes and white ones. They all add facet to our character if we let them and all remind us that despite machines, we are all susceptible and touchable humans. We all feel human things and make human mistakes and no distance, time or ip address will change that.